Intolerance Incarnate

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It is incredibly easy to write a successful manga series. Drawing ability, writing skills, even logical continuity are all optional extras. To expedite matters, here is the Idiot's guide to

Some (I am REALLY SORRY) Harry potter pick up lines

Have you heard of Platform 9 and 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the exact same measurements.

If you were a Dementor, I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss.

My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!

I know we're not in Professor Flitwick's class, but you still are charming.

My love for you burns like a dying phoenix.

Being without you is like being afflicted with the Cruciatus Curse.

Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.

Your name must be Severus Severus, because you're making my prince full blood.

Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready.

I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky.

Without you I feel like I'm in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul.

I've been whomping my willow thinking about you.

If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together.

You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone.

You must be magical, because I've fallen under your spell.

I'm not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I could still visit your restricted section tonight?

I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.

You don't even have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on!

Have you been using the Petrificus Totalus spell? Because you've made me stiff.

Whaddya say you and me go look for the Room of Requirement?

Do you want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own.

Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?

Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

(physics this time)

That dress would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 m/s2

Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry would have caused some problems for you.

I might be a physics major, but I'm no Bohr in bed.

Your lab bench, or mine?

Your eyes have a perfect wavelength of 563.4 nm.

Don't you hate it how the coyote always remains suspended in midair until he looks down? It's just SO misleading.

Hey baby. It's massive. You know what I'm talking about.

What's your resonance frequency?

Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.

I have E=mc2 tattooed on my ass. Wanna see?

Wanna couple our equations tonight?

Can I have your significant digits?

I haven't gotten laid in 4 years, 3 months, and 12 days, plus-or-minus 2 days. Would you care to check my error bars?

Top quark or bottom quark?

You're more special than relativity.

My last partner wasn't very stable. She spontaneously decayed last week and left me for a neutrino.

I know the spring constant for my mattress. Wanna take some data?

How do you feel about group experiments?

Like the ideal vacuum, you're the only thing in my universe.

Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.

Those other guys said that your eyes shine like stars. But can they explain how they shine with equal brightness?

Let's exchange fermions!

Engineers don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman. Friction alone can't get the job done.

You and Me = Grand Unification

Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.

Two large masses that are close together are supposed to radiate gravitational waves. I think that you're a big part of that.

I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

I'm hung like a Foucault pendulum.

If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

You're so hot, you denature my proteins.

Can I be the phasor to your electron and take you to an excited state?

You must be gibberelin, because I'm experiencing some stem elongation.

You make my anoxic sediments want to increase their redox potential.

Hey baby, will a little more alcohol catalyze this reaction?

I will fondle your vesicles while you caress my golgi body.

I want to work on your leucine zipper with my zinc fingers.

We fit together like the sticky ends of recombinent DNA.

You are the photon to my photosystem: you excite my electron until I reach my reaction centre.

You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power.

If I were a neurotransmitter, I would be dopamine so I could activate your reward pathway.

Hey, wanna put your alpha helix in my beta barrel?

Hey baby, why don't you get your ligase working on my okazaki fragment and lengthen my strand.

Hey, are you an alpha carbon, because you look susceptible to backside attack!

Do you want to extract some protein from my column?

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.

Everyone knows its not the size of the vector that matters, but the way the force is delivered.

How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

We can make a mess as I've hired some lysosomes to clean up after.

My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin because baby, I want you!

I wish I was an Ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.

You’re so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract.

I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.

You’re like telophase, I admire your cleavage.

Hey baby, want to form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?

Hey baby, want to form a zygote?

It’s a good thing you've got evaporative cooling, cause I’m going to make you sweat

If I were a Shwann cell, I'd squeeze areound your axon and give you a fast action potential. (good old neuroscience)

Want to be my substrate/enzyme?

If my right leg is the cell wall and my left the membrane, do you want to be the cytoplasm?

If you were a concentration gradient I'd go down on you.

If you were C6, and I were H12, all we would need is the air we breathe to be sweeter than sugar.

Whenever I am near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away

I want to stick to u like glue-cose.

You must be the one for me, since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.

Can I be your enzyme? because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.

You give me more jolt than a mitochondria!

Right now we’re just two RNA, but maybe we could transcribe together and become DNA.

I have a smooth endoplasmic reticulum but know that I like it rough, if you know what I mean.

I also prefer my ribosomes bound...tight. Spin me round with your basal body and make sure it's turgid.

Do you like aerobic respiration as much as I do?

Some REALLY cheesey pick up lines:

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the 7 digits of your phone number?

I wish I was your second derivative so I could investigate your concavities.

You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

Hey baby, what's your sine?

I need a little help with my Calculus, can you integrate my natural log?

By looking at you I can tell you're 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.

You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.

I don’t like my current girlfriend. Mind if I do a you-substitution?

I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.

Hey, baby want to Squeeze my Theorem while I poly your nomial?

Hey...nice asymptote.

i'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.

I don't know if you're in my range, but I'd sure like to take you back to my domain.

I'll take you to your limit if you show me your end behavior.

Can i explore your mean value?

Being without you is like being a metric space in which exists a cauchy sequence that does not converge

My love for you is a monotonically increasing unbounded function

You are the solution to my homogeneous system of linear equations.

i'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!

Let's take each other to the limit to see if we converge

Let me integrate our curves so that i can increase our volume

If i were a function you would be my asymptote - i always tend towards you.

Your beauty cannot be spanned by a finite basis of vectors.

I wish i was your problem set, because then i'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.

My love is like an exponential curve. it's unbounded

My love for you is like a fractal - it goes on forever.

My love for you is like the derivative of a concave up function because it is always increasing. we're going to assume this concave up function resembles x^2 so that slopes is actually increasing.

I hope you know set theory because i want to intersect and union you

You've got more curves than a triple integral.

Honey, you're sweeter than pi.

My friends told me that I should ask you out because you can't differentiate. Do you need math help?

Wanna expand my polynomial?

A running critique of why the movies of Lord of the Rings should have been given a different title with different character names.



Lets look at the characters, shall we?
My first point is found at the site:
http://www.overthinkingit.com/2008/06/03/the-nazgul-epic-fail/
As the proud owner of a labradoodle, I do have to say that they are pretty damn awesome. Further more, as an avid fan of Tolkien's works, and a lover of good movies, I do have to say that the movie Nazgul were pretty terrible. Peter Jackson should really have had his artistic license revoked at the point in time that he decided to make one of the most evil creatures outside of the Cthulhu Mythos into pussy, semi-blind skeletons. The fights between the hobbits (3' tall  farmers, no weapons training, nothing) and the Nazgul (ancient corrupted evil, powerful sorcerers) are ridiculous; dramatic pause should be restricted to labradoodles. The Witch-King of Angmar scared the bejeezes out of me as a child, and to see him so fallen....

Faramir: Faramir was the quintessential white knight. He stood for all that was good and true and honest, he was a GOOD MAN. For some reason, Peter Jackson decided to turn him into a sniveling, whingeing weasel. Yes, Tolkien was using an archetype but dammit, it was a good archetype. The movie version of Faramir was wretched in the extreme.

Eowyn: In LoTR (the books, the only real version) Eowyn was a strong, passionate, driven woman. She was determined to save her people. She was magnificent. Obviously, to fit in with Peter Jackson's rather pathetic view of Middle Earth, she had to be diminished in all ways. Remove her driving passion; make her blindly in love with Aragorn. Remove her determination to save her people, insert a sulk because she was spurned by Aragorn. Her hook up with Faramir was equally vexing.

Some Notable Absences: 1. The Sackville-Bagginses are only introduced in the Extended Version of Fellowship, and it is also noteworthy that they do not cause all of the havoc regards Bag End that they do in the book.
2. The Barrow Wights. What can I say? An essential plot device. How else do Merry, Pippin and Sam get enchanted swords? How else are the readers first introduced to the terror that is the rest of middle earth? Come on, People, the hobbits were total noobs. The Wights were a chance for them to cut their teeth on something not totally deadly.
3. Tom Bombadil. OMG, they didn't put Tom in. I could cry.
4. Glorfindel. ARWEN WAS NOT THERE. NO!!!!
5. THE ELVES WERE NOT IN ANYTHING.
Oh, I could really go on forever. Moving on to the next topic now.

Events, real and imaginary.
P.J. also played fast and loose with the plot of LoTR. Here are only a few of his mess-ups. Only the most Irritating, vexing, frustrating and pointless ones.
1. There were no Elves at Helmsdeep. None. Zero. Nada. Zip. NO ELVES. There were no elves at all, especially not freaky pudgy ones with double chins.
2. Aragorn semi-dying and floating down river, to be kissed by a dream Arwen and then wake up and find that it was a horse. WTF??? What is with P.J.? This was possibly the most USELESS piece of the entire film. It had no bearing on anything in the book, and was entirely confusing. It does lead me to my next three points, though.
3. Why is Arwen involved in everything? She is only actually in a few short sections of the book. She DID NOT rescue Frodo. That was Glorfindel. She did not continuously appear around, handing out prophetic visions to Aragorn. If P.J. wanted to give Aragorn wet dreams, then he should have left them for the director's cut, not to clog up the actual movie. Christ.
4. The last ship. The last ship left ONCE. ONCE. If you watch the movies, then you would have to conclude either a) elves are so terrible at organising things that they had to keep coming back and picking up the stuff they'd left behind,or b) that there was an actual ship called "The Last Ship", hence its ability to leave so many times.
5. Elrond's lecture to Arwen. Riiiigggghhhhtttt. In the books, he never reams her out for loving Aragorn and neither would he have because, as everybody knows, all of Elrond's children had to choose between a mortal or an elvish life, because they were all part of each. Hence his name: Elrond Half-Elven.
6. The elves were NOT involved in EVERYTHING.
7. WHERE WAS THE SCOURING OF THE SHIRE?????????? OMFG, it's not like it was an ESSENTIAL part of the books, or anything. christ......

Actually, I had more points, but now I am too depressed. I think I might read the real LoTR to cheer myself up.

Anyway. They were good movies, if you take them as free standing movies. But they are too painful for words when thought of as dramatisations of the books. This is why I think they should be re-named, with new character names. Please, for the love of any particular God, it is not Lord of the Rings.

P.S. This is too funny not to share. It is Lord of The Rings (movie version), as if it were a D+D scenario.
http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=612

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